Skip to main content

My Lonely Heart

Have you ever been surrounded by people yet felt totally alone? That's how I've felt the last few days. I interact with people all day long: student advising meetings, phone calls, emails, chit chatter in the stairwells. The constant flow of conversation fills my head with garble and most days I barely have time to think. But when I get in the funk all I need to do is sit back in my chair and feel the lump of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.

Little things make my heart ache. At the height of my sadness on Friday night I picked up the local paper and let the tears roll down my cheeks while reading about "Mary's Relay for Life Team." The day before that I broke down over a Today show piece on photographers who capture families and their babies who die within days of their birth. (Who wouldn't cry over that one?)

A psychologist would tell me I'm depressed and suggest meds or more sessions. Andy might agree with this rapid remedy to my mood swings. I don't think therapy or drugs will take away this feeling and I bet you've felt this way too. I long for the past, for my childhood and my youth. I miss curling up in the recliner next to my mom to watch TV, lip-syncing to Tiffany after dinner and twirling around on the tree limb outside my grandmother's house. I miss my grandma and my aunt and am sad that they are not alive to see me be a mom. I know this is why the lump rests in my throat as I go about my day, hiding my sadness behind busy work and household chores.

It passes, the loneliness. There's no time to think about the past with all that busy work and chores. And with being a mom, a friend, a wife. I've already picked a tree in the yard which will become my and Caroline's secret "house". We'll have rock cameras and be photographers, taking pictures of birds and sunsets. We'll play mad libs. We'll get in the car and go nowhere, letting our imaginations drive us to exotic places. I'll let her sit on the floor in the bathroom at night when I bathe, my only down time of the day, and listen to her stories and adventures, dreams and hopes for the future. These actions will melt my heartache and take away my loneliness, at least until those occasional funks come back to remind me where I've been and what I've got to lose.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Somebody Who Matters

At first glance, one may not think that my mom and I are alike. Moe is shy and reserved. She's calm and thoughtful. She's a good listener and keeps things to herself. She's grounded and sensible. She's practical. You may be laughing now if you know me. I'm loud and outspoken. I'm dramatic and irrational. I talk too much and share too much. My head is often in the clouds and I lack common sense. I 'm a dreamer. How did this kid come from that mom? Well, if you know me, you also know that my mom has had the greatest impact on me and that we are actually very much alike. For example, Moe isn't really shy or reserved. She's just waiting for the right time to tell you what she thinks and you're going to hear it whether or not you like it. She uses the F-bomb freely, and sometimes inappropriately. In her own right, she is a feminist. She's a loyal friend. She's the family organizer. She has a quirky sense of humor and knows not to take hersel...
Post a Comment
Read more

Facebook Reality Check

I am a big facebook user. No, I don't play Farmville or Candy Crush Saga but I spend at least 15 minutes on the site daily. I have read many articles about how facebook kills one's self esteem because people use the site to boast and brag about their awesome lives, which in turn makes others feel badly about their own. We all know that facebook is a slice of one's life or maybe a projection of the life they want to live. Anybody who isn't a fool should realize that. As a frequent facebooker and hardcore extrovert, with a lack of a strong filter, I find this whole situation to be a dilemma. What is worse, reading about someone's awesome day and seeing a picture of how fabulous they looked during their awesome day, or reading about their terrible day, looking at angry political memes, or rants about the bad customer service they received? Do you want to read about how someone had the best night ever with their bestest buds (you not included) or that they have been ...
1 comment
Read more

Tips for Transitioning to Back-To-School Time

Transitions can be hard for kids with special needs, making the back-to-school schedule particularly challenging for them and their families. Here are some tips for making that transition, and first few months of the fall, easier for everyone. Map out a Schedule and Reduce Anxiety While no kid wants to start talking about going back to school when he or she is still enjoying their summer vacation, it’s important to reduce anxiety by starting to talk about what the back-to-school schedule is going to look like. While this could mean creating a visual schedule or developing a calendar, it’s important to talk with your child about what the back-to-school schedule is going to look like, including wake up time, what happens during the day, after school, right up until bedtime. Developing a schedule can hopefully alleviate some of your child's stress about what to expect during the transition and can also open up a dialogue for what questions and concerns your child has. Have your chil...
Post a Comment
Read more