Skip to main content

The Un-Fight

Today my friend Lisa told me that she and her boyfriend are "un-fighting." At first read you may think this is a good thing and that Lisa just hasn't quite mastered grammatical constructions of the English language. You may think un-fighting is the opposite of fighting which would be not fighting. You've thought wrong.

Un-fighting is a special skill, mostly exhibited in men. It is a defense mechanism not all that far from the Men are from the Mars/Women are from Venus concept of going into one's cave. Let me provide you with an example, drawing of course, from my own life.

I'm reading a book about the marriage contract and the importance of renegotiating the relationship during certain points of life, like the birth of a child or loss of a job. I think the book is fabulous and wanted to share its thesis and finer points with Andy. To start, there was a dialogue of sorts:

"Andy, do you remember last week when I told you that if eight years ago I could look into the future and see our life now that I'd never have married you?"

"Mmm. Hmm."

"Well, this book says it's because we had created a relationship for ourselves, back then, with certain, set roles. And then, when we had Caroline, we expected those roles to stay the same and they can't."

"Mmm."

"So, we have to renegotiate our roles now. Then we'll be happier. Are you listening to me?"

"What...mmm...?"

"Andy, this is important and I want to talk about it. We need to renegotiate our contract!"

"Are you whining?"

"You are making me mad! I want to talk about this and if you don't then I'm going to call a therapist and then you'll have to talk about it! How's that?"

"Are you talking to me?"

This is a very common conversation in our house. If you can call it a conversation. Usually, I start the discussion with a question. I want answers and I want Andy to give me his full attention and to answer my questions. I pressure and probe. I start to yell. Andy, most often parked in front of the TV, stares at the computer or TV and avoids eye contact at all costs. It is the un-fight. How can you have a fight with someone who refuses to fight back? Sure, I can spend about five minutes arguing with myself but after that, the topic is dead in the water. I have no choice but to retreat angrily and go sulk while folding laundry. I mutter to myself for a bit longer. Maybe I come back out and yell at few more times, in hopes of a response, "Oh and yeah, by the way, the book also says that men are always wrong and you suck." This one gets a real rise out of him- total silence and not even a nod in my direction.

I like to win arguments and this lack of participation makes it very hard to determine a clear winner. Do I win if his lack of arguing is considered a forfeit?

I have my own un-tactic that I like to use in retaliation of the un-fight. It's called the un-sex. And let's be clear about this one. It is the opposite of sex.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Somebody Who Matters

At first glance, one may not think that my mom and I are alike. Moe is shy and reserved. She's calm and thoughtful. She's a good listener and keeps things to herself. She's grounded and sensible. She's practical. You may be laughing now if you know me. I'm loud and outspoken. I'm dramatic and irrational. I talk too much and share too much. My head is often in the clouds and I lack common sense. I 'm a dreamer. How did this kid come from that mom? Well, if you know me, you also know that my mom has had the greatest impact on me and that we are actually very much alike. For example, Moe isn't really shy or reserved. She's just waiting for the right time to tell you what she thinks and you're going to hear it whether or not you like it. She uses the F-bomb freely, and sometimes inappropriately. In her own right, she is a feminist. She's a loyal friend. She's the family organizer. She has a quirky sense of humor and knows not to take hersel...
Post a Comment
Read more

Facebook Reality Check

I am a big facebook user. No, I don't play Farmville or Candy Crush Saga but I spend at least 15 minutes on the site daily. I have read many articles about how facebook kills one's self esteem because people use the site to boast and brag about their awesome lives, which in turn makes others feel badly about their own. We all know that facebook is a slice of one's life or maybe a projection of the life they want to live. Anybody who isn't a fool should realize that. As a frequent facebooker and hardcore extrovert, with a lack of a strong filter, I find this whole situation to be a dilemma. What is worse, reading about someone's awesome day and seeing a picture of how fabulous they looked during their awesome day, or reading about their terrible day, looking at angry political memes, or rants about the bad customer service they received? Do you want to read about how someone had the best night ever with their bestest buds (you not included) or that they have been ...
1 comment
Read more

Tips for Transitioning to Back-To-School Time

Transitions can be hard for kids with special needs, making the back-to-school schedule particularly challenging for them and their families. Here are some tips for making that transition, and first few months of the fall, easier for everyone. Map out a Schedule and Reduce Anxiety While no kid wants to start talking about going back to school when he or she is still enjoying their summer vacation, it’s important to reduce anxiety by starting to talk about what the back-to-school schedule is going to look like. While this could mean creating a visual schedule or developing a calendar, it’s important to talk with your child about what the back-to-school schedule is going to look like, including wake up time, what happens during the day, after school, right up until bedtime. Developing a schedule can hopefully alleviate some of your child's stress about what to expect during the transition and can also open up a dialogue for what questions and concerns your child has. Have your chil...
Post a Comment
Read more