A Mom's Life

I'm surrounded by baby these days and I suppose it's my age. All of my friends are getting married and some are even starting to "try" before their nuptials are confirmed, fighting to beat the infertility clock. The race is on: late twentysomething couples stand at the starting line, perched on their toes, fingertips brushing the ground. Sweat has started to roll lightly down their faces in reaction to the pressure of the task ahead of them. The gun goes off, BANG! And the couples begin to hurdle down the track. Except, wait. Instead of gracefully bounding around the circle, they stumble awkwardly, each with a leg in the potato sack. They have to move in unison and have perfect timing to get the job done right. It takes skill and possibly, several times around the track, to make it work. And when it does, they're off to the next event- the obstacle course. Unlike the sympathetic feelings I get while talking about weddings, when the conversation goes a l...

Have you seen my baby? She's little; fits in your arms easily; has big brown eyes and soft blond curls; smells like baby; says googoogaa; is immobile. You get the picture, right? My little baby angel has been replaced by a full-fledged waddler. It started around Christmas but really accelerated when she took her first bold steps a month ago. Before my eyes this baby has turned into a person. A little one, which makes everything she does very funny. Just when you start to adapt to your ever-changing child, she goes and changes on you overnight or in the blink of an eye. Let me tell you about what Caroline can do in the blink of an eye: climb over a bucket-barrier onto the fireplace. Unplug a lamp and lick the plug. Unravel a roll of toilet paper or pull every tissue out of a box. Explode into a diva fit and slam her head into my chin. Pull every tupperware lid from the drawer and throw them all over the kitchen. Tip the dog's food dish over. Find the phone and dial a...

Have you ever been surrounded by people yet felt totally alone? That's how I've felt the last few days. I interact with people all day long: student advising meetings, phone calls, emails, chit chatter in the stairwells. The constant flow of conversation fills my head with garble and most days I barely have time to think. But when I get in the funk all I need to do is sit back in my chair and feel the lump of loneliness in the pit of my stomach. Little things make my heart ache. At the height of my sadness on Friday night I picked up the local paper and let the tears roll down my cheeks while reading about "Mary's Relay for Life Team." The day before that I broke down over a Today show piece on photographers who capture families and their babies who die within days of their birth. (Who wouldn't cry over that one?) A psychologist would tell me I'm depressed and suggest meds or more sessions. Andy might agree with this rapid remedy to my mood swings. I don...

Andy went back to work a week after Caroline was born. When he returned home each evening, I'd be sitting in my jammies with dirty eye glasses and spit up on my shoulder. Maybe Caroline would be sleeping in her bassinett and maybe I'd be lucky enough to be folding some laundry. Our front door leads directly into the living room, so we are usually able to greet one another before taking our boots off. He'd open the door. I'd look up at him. He'd say, "Did you have a productive day?" I'd respond, "You're kid isn't dead. I'd call that a pretty productive day." This went on for the length of my maternity leave and I was relieved to go back to work and have to answer to my boss and not my husband. Do you remember the story about the divorcee and stay-at-home mom who sued her husband for all the things she provided him during their marriage? The list included chores, caring for the children and sex. The amount of money was significant a...