I'm so SAD

I'm feeling very sad lately. It's no surprise since I have seasonal affectiveness disorder (self-diagnosed on WebMD). I fit perfectly into the Internet Experts definition of a SAD person: I am a woman. I am between 15 and 55 and I live where hell froze over. I have all the symptoms: I am grumpy and anxious, I've gained weight, I eat tons of carbs and I'm tired all of the time.
I appreciate this quick diagnosis,which is why I'm such a huge fan of WebMD, but I have to say they are really only hitting the tip of the SAD iceberg in defining the additional symptoms of this cruelly depressing disorder. I'm crafting a list to send off to them in hopes they will add these to their list. You know, in case someone is on the fence about themselves and they need some more symptoms for comparison.
1. Dry, fly-away, flat hair;
2. Zitty, combination skin (super dry cheeks, super oily nose and chin);
3. Dry skin between eye brows that never seems to go away no matter how much moisturizer I apply there;
4. Chipped, brittle nails;
5. Giant, hard cuticles;
6. Polka dotted legs (translucent legs plus prickly hairs=hot);
7. Tutleneckitis;
8. Hair growing wildly where it really should be trimmed, oops, sorry about that 15-year-old boy lifeguard during Mommy and Me swim;
9. Stinky feet from big socks getting too hot once inside;
10. Anti-Jolie lips. I mean, come on, where are they? I'm still applying lip balm to the area which is now crusty and over rubbed looking.
11. Nose that is either super dry or running a marathon;
Shoot, look at me, going on and on. And, this just pertains to my looks! I haven't even started on how I feel!

WebMd recommends buying a special light and sitting under it. This should alleviate some of the SAD symptoms. Maybe I'll go spend $100 on one of these fancy lights. Maybe I'll put on my fat, puffy ski (no, I don't ski) coat, thick, stinky woolly socks, hat that keeps falling into my eyes, scarf that chokes me when I sit on it in the car, mismatched mittens and go out into the -20 windchilled wilderness. Maybe I'll pull with my entire might, the frozen car door, pray to hear the engine angrily turn over, and scrape a tiny circle of ice off of the windshield so I can see something when I am driving. Maybe I'll feel sweat drip down my butt crack when I chase Caroline around the house for 20 minutes, trapping her on the ground in a wrestling "figure 4" in order to get her coat, boots, hat and mittens on her body. Maybe then I strip out of my coat and mittens because I can not move my own appendages well enough to jam her into her car seat and again, hold her arms and legs down while I stuff her jacket against her body to buckle her into her car seat. Maybe I'll get out 1 mile down the road from the house when a windshield wiper gets caught in ice, on the windshield that I neglected to scrape away, and flies off down the street. Maybe then I have to run down the road to find it in a snow bank and run back to hear Caroline shrieking. Maybe then I have to drive 20 miles an hour because the snow drifts are so deep that the car fish tails every few minutes. Maybe I have to pull over again because Caroline wants her hat off and I decide to take her boots off as well to prevent her from kicking the back of my seat, making it very hard to concentrate when fish tailing through snow drifts.

Maybe we get to the closest store an hour later, go in and find that they are all sold out of special lights for SAD people because this whole damn state is full of depressed zombies in need of a day warmer than 30 degrees and the chance to wear a light fleece and maybe, just maybe, crack a window open, at least for an hour or two during the middle of the day.

Comments

Phoebe said…
I know!

Some claim CLO (Cod Liver Oil) helps fight SAD, but good luck finding one that goes down easy or else it might just become an additional to the list of reasons why we feel like shit.
Megan said…
This is EXACTLY why I prayed hard for John NOT to get transferred to Duluth. I, unlike you, could NOT survive! I mean this is why crazy movies are made: you mentioned "The Shining" already, but "Fargo" also comes to mind. People start using wood chippers and axes on others because of the weather :)

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