Skip to main content

The Biggest Fear

Are you afraid of anything? As you may have guessed, I am afraid of many things. I hate snakes. I am afraid of small spaces and being trapped and unable to move my legs. I am afraid of driving in the snow. I hate the dark and looking out of my windows at night. But more than any of these, I'm afraid of dying and leaving Caroline without a mom. There are so many things that I want to tell her and I'm worried that something will happen to me and I won't be there to impart my wisdom. A few lessons on my list include:
  • Be kind to others. Treat them as you wish to be treated.
  • Eat a good mix of veggies and fruits along with junk food. Don't drink soda. Drink water.
  • Brush your teeth and please, please floss!
  • Wear clean underwear.
  • Make your bed. It will make you ready to start your day.
  • Stand up straight. (Yes, do as I SAY, not as I DO.)
  • You can have just as much fun sober as you can drunk. But if you do get drunk, have a friend close by to hold your hair back and to turn you over if you puke.
  • Travel as much as you can. Meet people different from you and be open to their differences.
  • God is in you. Nobody else can tell what that word should mean to you.
  • You don't have to wait until you are married to have sex but you should wait longer than you want to...it will make it more exciting for a longer time.
  • Consider applying to Mount Holyoke. You don't have to go there but....
  • Blood is thicker than water whether or not you like it. Friendship is also like blood.
  • We are Red Sox people.
  • Pay it forward.
  • Laugh at yourself.
  • Math is useful. Learn how it works.
  • Dance, sing and love as much as you can.

If something were to happen to me, I know that my friends and family would pick up where I left off. I learned most of this from them anyway. I know in the end, she would be ok. This however, is not my greatest fear. Here is my real secret: I think I really need her more than she needs me. Anyone who has decided they are ready to be a parent, anyone who has wanted a child, knows this fear.

The moment we conceive, or start an adoption process, and welcome a child to our home, she has our heart forever. Man, I had no idea how much I needed Caroline. I believe people come into our lives for a reason, our children included. I can imagine there is nothing more painful (whether you are 20 or 80, whether your baby is a 9-week-fetus or a 50-year-old man) than outliving your child. To all the moms and dads out there who have lived this pain, I think of you whenever Caroline throws a temper tantrum or draws on our newly painted wall or sits on the door of the dishwasher. I think of you when I am too tired to parent. I think of you when I'm up at 4 am rocking her back to sleep, for my lifetime full of lessons to impart pales in comparison to what she has taught me in only a few years.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Charlotte's Story

What can you do in seventeen minutes? Watch an episode of your favorite sitcom without commercials? Run two miles at a good clip? Eat a meal, or in Andy's case, microwave a meal and then eat it? Have a baby? Because that's what I did. You heard me right. I birthed a baby in seventeen minutes because I am a machine. I am a machine ! I am a baby birthing woman of steel. I am not much of a bragger and you may recall that I was never good and never bad at anything. I have no particular achievements to tout, academically, physically, professionally or otherwise except baby birthing. I'm really good at this and I'm pretty darn proud of it and I'd like to brag about it to you now. This is Charlotte's birth story. For the first four or five months of my pregnancy with Charlotte, most people forgot that I was even pregnant. This does happen to you with multiple pregnancies. I never forgot that I was pregnant. Morning sickness heart burn and frequent bathroom t
1 comment
Read more

Spoiler Alert!

It's no big shock that I opened my mouth and got myself in trouble earlier this week. This time it was my virtual mouth, and we all know that can be the worst. Saying something stupid, online, is like spreading a highly contagious virus. Speaking of which, with all of my recent coughing and sneezing, I've been really good at spreading a germy virus around. I teach students to be social media savvy, and gosh darn it, I did so as recent as yesterday. I provide them with some rules to protect them from looking like a virtual ass, but low and behold, I fall victim to assiness every once in a while. How am I supposed to know every single rule in life, and particularly online? I'm just a simple human being, with a big mouth, who wants to over share! So, here's what went down, if you didn't get pissy pants over my FB faux pas. I watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead on Sunday night. Andy was in the can and I just needed to talk about the episode. I needed t
2 comments
Read more

Excuse Me! Can Somebody Help Me?

The economy is slow and there are less and less job opportunities out there. What type of skills does one need today to ride through this global crisis? Of course experience and a solid resume are a good start. But what are those key qualities every employer seeks? Quality work, dependability, strong written and verbal communication skills, honesty and integrity, to name a few. But what is that last line you always see in every job advertisement and frankly, should be in all personal ads as well? "Wanted. Sexy, athletic man. Must be able to cook, clean and sing lullabies. Background in massage a plus. Must be comfortable driving a mini van and carrying a diaper bag. Strong customer service skills required to cater to high-level client. " Why is it that we are nicer to everyone around us and rudest to our family members? It starts with our blood relatives. At home, as a child, I was a brat. As a teenager it never occurred to me that my caustic words hurt my mom'
2 comments
Read more