Skip to main content

In Support of Guns, To You Know, Kill the Zombies

I decided to add another resolution to my already ambitious list-learn how to properly handle and shoot a gun. What?! You say. This can't be? Really? If you know me you are thinking this for several reasons, the first being that I'm a card carrying liberal who supports pacifists, dislikes hunting and argues that guns kill too many innocent people. I've never really understood the passion people have for the right to bear arms or why you would tote a gun rack in the back of your pick up truck or have a hand gun as a hobby.

The other reason why you may question, or be in fear of, this decision, is due to my lack of common sense and an inability to understand the mechanics behind how things work. During freshman year of college my friend, Smitty, had to plug the phone into the jack for me because I didn't understand why the phone didn't work. Just a month ago, another friend, Sara (also known as "my other husband" because she does this kind of stuff all the time for me when Andy isn't around) had to replace the battery in one of the smoke detectors at my house. I brought her a chair, a new battery, and a screwdriver and that was as far as I could go in that situation. She changed it for me while I was out of the room and afterwards she told me she contemplated calling me in to explain to me step-by-step, but she then realized it would be useless.

I am that girl who can't change the wiper blades or put air in the tires on the car, or start the stove. As a matter of fact, I've driven my car on a flat tire knowing what that would do to the rim. Oh, and yes, I'm calling myself girl now to deny getting any older.

Back to the point. Why would anyone in their right mind allow me to shoot a gun? Thank you, America. Thank you Second Amendment. Remember, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." And so this, my faithful readers, is why I'm going to learn to shoot a gun. It is time to start a militia right her upstate New York. Andy and I spend a lot of time driving and when we're not bitching about something or yelling at the kids for making a racket in the back, we'll talk about what is happening in our fine world and what's going to happen in the future. We talk about how much money it's costing us to drive 50+ miles a day to work, how we need to expand our garden so it's not just a hobby but a real source of food for our family and how messed up it is that it hasn't snowed all winter and how several "historic" floods have plagued our region for the last five years. And zombies. Because, you know,you have to be prepared when the zombies come.

Popular culture loves zombies and Andy does, too. We've seen all of the zombie movies of late and a few are even on my list of all-time faves, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, and of course, now I'm addicted to The Walking Dead. Any conspiracy theorist would argue that these shows are not science fiction but a glimpse into the future. Your neighborhood crazy would tell you that there's an insane, diseased monkey living underground in a government laboratory, which at any moment will break its way out of a cage and attack the scientist who has been injecting it with viruses for the last ten years. We know what happens next.

I'm soo glad we live upstate. It will take the zombies longer to make their way up here because you know, it'll all start in The City. At first, I figured that as long as I surround myself with the ass-kicking people who have helped me in the past, (remember: air in tires, phone plugged in, stove started, battery changed)I would be ok. Then, I had a second thought: what if they sacrifice me to save themselves? Wouldn't you? If it's survival of the fittest, well, I'm going down.

Yep, it's offiial. I am definitely adding Apocalypse Prep to my New Year's resolution list. I'm also going to add -learn to change the smoke detector battery and -learn to add air to car tires, to the list.


phoeberl said…
This is why you can now buy Zombie Killer ammo! You know, just in case.

Popular posts from this blog

I Love Otsego but I Love Andy More

Growing up, my big brother was your typical older brother. He loved to torture me and his favorite hobby was making me mad or making me cry. He took my own stuff and made me buy it back from him at a yard sale. He put dog crap in my socks and sneakers. He threw spit balls at me, pinched me and never let me win at any games. Despite his daily doses of teasing and displeasing me, I did notice that he wasn't particularly interested in other people making me mad or making me cry. I'm not saying he was ready to fight on my behalf, or ride up on a white horse to protect me, but he was pretty firm in his position as the number one bane of my existence. Despite the fact that he no longer tortures me quite like he used to, our relationship has left a lasting impression on me, long into adulthood. As a self proclaimed arm chair therapist, I take note that I have been trying to work through that relationship for years-with Andy. Poor Andy had no idea that, when we started dating, I'…

Holiday Letters- in Two Versions!

I don’t know about you but I love a good holiday letter. Nothing sends me into a tailspin of self doubt and depression like reading the carefully crafted story of the highs and accomplishments of those in my life. As the letters flow in, alongside the photos of the beautiful smiling faces of my loved ones, I curl up under a warm blanket, look out at the bleak, gray winter skies and think: what the fu#k is wrong with me?We are so fortunate, due to modern technological advances, to be able to experience this self doubt an average of 20-50 times per day as we addictively scroll a variety of social media channels. Yet nothing truly confirms our own personal inadequacies like a yearly summary of others’ successes and happiness neatly packed in an 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper, folded in thirds and slipped into an envelope alongside a card collage of beach shots, matching sweaters and smiling, happy faces. I, too, have sent along such letters to accompany our smiling happy faces, providing thos…

An Open "PM" to Polly

Hey Polly, it’s me- Melissa. Can I call you Polly? Because I feel like I know you. Do I know you? We’ve been in the same social media circles for many months now.I see from your profile that you went to Cornell. I have a lot of friends that graduated from there. It’s an awesome school. What year did you graduate? I also see that you’re self-employed. I really respect entrepreneurs, particularly female entrepreneurs. What’s your business? Are you a photographer because your Facebook profile picture of Doubleday Field is fantastic.I see that you don’t have any Facebook friends, Polly. I understand that. Are you lonely? It can be really lonely around here. Listen Polly, this election got really nasty but at the end of the day are all neighbors right? Do you want to meet, do you want to talk about it? Haven’t seen you on social media since the election. I totally get where you’re coming from, Polly. It’s been hard for me, too. When you put yourself out there with really strong opinions pe…