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Running: My Inner Thoughts

So, the big race is a month away. I've been training since before Christmas and boy am I ready- for it to be over. While my fab cuz will be running the race with me, she lives a few states away, so we have been training solo and reporting out weekly about what we call, "The emotional and physical roller coaster that is preparing to run 13.1 miles." Honestly, I don't know how real athletes do it. Training for a long-distance race isn't just about putting on your sneakers, going for a run and then going on with your day. You have to think about how much you sleep, what you put in your body and how you take care of your body at all times. For a mom who is already struggling to manage a job, a home, and a family, it seems that this 1/2 marathon is taking up a great deal of my already tapped mental and physical strength.

I have been getting up at 5:30 two to three days a week to run 3-4 miles on the treadmill. Since I'm an early riser, this part hasn't been that bad. Plus, I watch Mad Men streaming on Netflix via the ipad which passes the time and provides wonderful entertainment. (Who doesn't love/hate Don Draper?) On the weekends, I try to run 4-5 miles, both days, outside, a few other days are reserved for rest and one day is always my "long run" day, when I increase my distance by 1 mile each week. I'm up to 10 miles, and at my pace, that means I'm running for a very long time. Alone. Just me and my wilting body and spirit.

I mentioned that I don't have a running buddy, besides Don Draper and company, and the long runs are completed outside. I do listen to my ipod to block out my heavy breathing, and it helps to pass the time. However,I am an extrovert, who always likes to be chatting, and whose mind is always on the go, so I thought I'd give you an inside look at what goes through my mind during a typical long run. Here goes:

Start to Mile 1: Ok, so this is going to be a long run. Long run, long run, long run. This fanny pack is driving me crazy. It keeps thumping my butt. Thump, thump, thump, soooo annnnnooooying. I look like a fool with this fanny pack on. Where should I leave my water bottle. Ok, take a big drink and toss it behind this bush. I hope nobody thinks I'm littering. Could I get arrested for this?
Mile 1-2: I'm so tight and sore. I can't do this. I hate this. I'm tired. I'm tired. This is hilly. Why is it so damn hilly here? Is there a road that is totally flat anywhere in upstate?
Mile 2-3: Ahh, getting warmed up much better. Nothing hurts yet. Good. I am a rock. I am an island. I am a champion. Oh, crap, I forgot to send a student an email about that internship. I have to remember to do that tomorrow. "My hearts a stereo! Beats for you so listen close!"
Mile 3-4: Look at that house. It's huge. Look at that pool. I wonder if one of Caroline's classmates lives there? I wonder if they would invite us over this summer to swim? I wish we had a pool but the lake is really nice. Now, look at that house. That is sad. Does someone live there? Look at all the trash on their lawn. I wish I could come here at night and haul away all of their trash.
Mile 4-5: "The band Fun is the best band. The best. Janelle Monee is so pretty. Could I ever get my hair like hers? I need to get a sweat band for the race. What if I sweat in my eyes? Where is the end of this road? It's up here somewhere. God, this road is really long and hilly. Hilly, hilly, hilly. It's getting warm out. Whew. Getting hot now. Yep. Hot, hot, hot. Is the end of the road around this curve? No, what the hell?
Mile 5-6: Ankle, are you starting to hurt? Go to hell. I am going to ignore you. No ankle pain, not me. Why did I have to get drunk and twist it the other night? No more alcohol. No more. Bad. Where is the end of this damn road? Slow down cars! Slow down, yes, I did just point at you and motion for you to slow down. What if they turn around and try to abduct me? Where would I run to? I bet I can't run fast enough to get away.
Mile 6-7: I hate you ankle. You suck. I could be doing so many other things if I wasn't doing this race. I could sew a dress. I could clean my house. I could make a replica Eiffel Tower with Popsicle sticks. This turtle neck is suffocating me. It's strangling me. It's going to kill me. I am going to die. I am going to die out here, all alone. That person is waving to me but I can't lift up my arm to wave because if I do I may stop running and just sit down. Ah, my water bottle! It's still here! Ok, I am leaving it here- does anyone see me? I hope I don't get arrested.
Mile 7-8: Ah, it feels much better with that sweater off. I'm so glad I have this fanny pack so that I can eat a few jelly beans. Yum, yum, jelly beans. I hate you ankle. I divorce you. I don't need an ankle to run. I am never going to be able to run 13 miles. Ahhhh, I am getting tired. I need some LMFAO to get my pumped up. Oh yeah party rock is in the house TONIGHT! Look at those deer. They aren't even afraid of me at all. Maybe I should run away with them into the forest. Ok, now they are running and they have four legs and they run much faster than me. I'll never keep up. Oh well. I am going to die out here.
Mile 8-8.5: I am going strong. I can do this. I can do this. Oh, wait, did a slug and a caterpillar just pass me? Sorry, car, I can't move over into the dirt, I am too tired. Oh, man, lady, nice sweater. When I am old I am not going to wear an embroidered sweater with a built-in collar.
Mile 8.5-8.8: My legs are numb. I can't feel my legs. I have no legs. I have no legs! What the F&*(^ Mother F^&*(& Go to H%^&( I hate running! AHHHHH! I am glad I wore running tights in case I poop down my leg. Am I going to puke or was that just a jelly bean burp? Grit my teeth. Grit my teeth. I'm sorry, ankle, I promise to ice you and rub you lots tonight.
Mile 8.8-9: Yeah! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!! I'm awesome. Oh, wow! Ok, that wasn't that bad. Was it?

And there you have it! A full hour and a half of stream of conscience while exercising! Almost as entertaining as Mad Men and I get to dodge cars full of people who are texting and driving. I finished today's run by forgetting to hide from Charlotte, who was in the gym daycare room, on my way to cool down. Therefore, mile 9-10 involved changing a poopy diaper, repeatedly picking up a dropped sippy cup and wrestling Char away from a large, stuffed dog sitting outside of the Main Street toy store.

Four more weeks to go! Wish me luck!


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