I Know This Much to be True

I know this much to be true:

1. The kids will get sick, often.

2. The kids will get sick when I have a multi-day span of time when I must be at work, no ifs, ands or buts.

3. I will get the call first. Apparently, all schools/child care centers forget that Andy is also on the emergency contact list.

4. The call will come within ten minutes of arriving at work.

5. If Andy is not traveling, I will successfully coerce him into taking time off to watch the kids. He will do his due diligence and will make sure to make me feel bad about it. Though I have talked about the important work event taking place on this day, he will not hesitate to ask, "What? You can't take the day off? Is work busy?"

6. If Andy is not available, I will pick up the sick child who will either a)smile and seem totally fine and spend the rest of the day laughing, singing, and watching TV while I attempt to "telecommute" during the rest of the sick day. Or b) spend the car ride home moaning, scrunching up her face, and crying while threatening to barf. If I am lucky the sick kid will puke in a random plastic bag that I find under the seat. If I'm not so lucky, the chunks will become a dried up, impossible to clean, eternal fixture of the car seat.

7. I will get puke all over my hands and clothes.

8. I will gag. I can't help it.I'm an educator (clarification-higher educator, where they puke in their dorms) not a nurse or doctor for goodness sake.

9. I will call the triage nurse in pediatrics because I never trust my own gut about my kids' health and I have to justify returning my kid to daycare/school the next day.

10. The triage nurse will tell me there is nothing to be worried about or much to be worried about. If there is much worry, I will be directed to the ER because we have no local urgent care facility.

11. I will go to the ER because, as already mentioned, I don't trust myself with sick kids. (I'm not a nurse or doctor dammit!)

12. All of the sick kid's near death symptoms will disappear as we sit next to the 15 other people in the ER queue who are bleeding, moaning, and generally look like they want to be anywhere but in an ER queue next to a bratty kid whining about wanting fruit snacks and an ipad and otherwise looking like they need nothing more than a slap and a nap.

13. I will lose my shit debating about whether I should bust out of the ER and potentially return once the sick kid's mystery symptoms return at midnight in a snowstorm, or if we should wait it out for 3 more hours to learn that the sick kid has a tummy ache and should drink ginger ale, crackers, and get a slap and a nap.

Who is with me that this has been the longest flu season ever? It seems that one of my kids is sick at least once a week. Wherever I turn, someone is puking. The most I can hope for is that it's not me.


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