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The Spice in my Life

Having kids is a cool experiment. You mix your genes and out comes this person who is sorta like you, sorta like your partner and sorta like your great aunt Helen. Then, this is nuts- you have another kid and they are sorta like you, but not in the same way as the other kid, sorta like your partner, but again, not in the same way, and could basically be a carbon copy of your sibling. How does that happen?! I have no idea, and I'm not about to explain it to you. I was a history major, remember, I know nothing about the human genome except that it's some sort of project.

So, my two genetic gifts are my salt and pepper. My Sugar and Spice. My Sugar is sweet and shy and very cuddly and rarely questions my authority. Except when my sugar OD's on the sweet stuff and then she goes haywire and is a tyrant who screams as loud as she possibly can, stomps her feet like she's trying out for the Blue Man Group, and waves her arms like she wants to fly to the moon. Mostly, though, she is my Sugar; all sweetness.

Then, there's my Spice. I'm from New England. I'm Polish. I'm not used to spice. Mild salsa is as spicy as I get. Maybe a little wasabi on my sushi is all I can handle. My Spice certainly brings the flavor to my life and makes me keep one eye open while sleeping. She is the reason I wish Google could create eyes in the backs of our heads. She's the reason why we should tape our knives to the ceiling- of the attic. She's why we have to try to communicate only via spelling all words out. She's why locks were created. Dead Bolts.

She's quite an extrovert, like her momma, so I often know exactly what she is thinking, "Daddy, if you don't get away from me I am going to toot in your face." But at other times, my Spice gets this look on her face: big doe eyes blinking, button nose scrunched up and a slight smile on her lips. At those moments, I wish I knew what she was thinking, or do I? To give you an idea of my life with Spice, I am going to walk you through a day in the life, from her vantage point.

5:45 am. It is very dark out. It may still be the middle of the night so I think this would be a good time to wake everyone up. I am going to go into my sister's room and take all of her blankets off of her. Then I will proceed to my parents' room where I will stare at them until they feel weirdly like someone is watching them and wake up.

5:50 am. I am confused about why my sister screamed when I took her blankets off of her sleeping body but was delighted when she started to cry. I think slapping her in the face was a nice gesture.

5:55 am. My mom told me to GO BACK TO BED! So I decided she really meant that I should make myself breakfast. That's why I am going to pour yogurt into the dog dish and eat it alongside of him.

6:00 am. Oh what a lucky girl I am to have found the scissors Daddy hid on the top of the fridge! Why am I on the top of the fridge you ask? Well, how else would I be able to drink all of the Capri Suns they have stored there?

6:15 am. Daddy is up and in the bathroom so this would be a good time to come in and go through Mommy's makeup. This powder is delightfully fun! I will put eye shadow on Daddy because he looks like he wants some on him. That's why he is sitting on the potty, so I can make him pretty.

6:30 am. I am so hungry. I will scream at Mommy to feed me. Where is the yogurt she asks. Why, I have no idea, Mommy! I think my doll, Mirabelle, had it last. What is that in the dog dish? I haven't a clue. Big eye blink, blink, blink.

6:34 am. I need to get in some exercise! This would be the perfect time to jump on my sister's bed, with her still in it, of course. Why is she crying, again? I will slap her to make her stop.

7:45 am. I played in my room for a bit and that made everyone happy. And by playing I mean cutting all the hair off of my sister's dolls and cutting a little hair off of the cat's tail, too.

8:00 am. I'll get dressed for the day now but first I need to take everything out of my drawers and stuff it into a duffle bag that I will then hide in the back of my closet. For good measure I'll also take a damp towel from the bathroom and toss it in the bag so my clothes will smell nice.

9:00 am. Snap! I am hungry again. I am going to beg Mommy to feed me a bagel. When she finally does, I'm so mad at her because I DON'T WANT THAT BAGEL! I NEVER WANTED A BAGEL! WHY IS SHE SO MEAN TO ME?

........5:00pm. Why does Mommy look so tired and sad? She needs a hug and a kiss.

5:15 pm. That meat loaf looks busgusting. The only way Mommy will understand how I feel about this terrible food she is trying to kill me with is to stand up in my chair and scream as loud as I can. What, no dinner at all now for making a bad choice? I'll show you a bad choice.

5:20 pm. Mommy makes me a salami and cheese roll up and I'm so happy because life is so good. I eat the meatloaf, too, because it is so yummy!

Daddy is still eating but I don't understand why he can't get me dessert because I am done eating and I am a very good girl.

5:45 pm. My name is Chelsea, I keep telling these people. No, call me Chelsea! I am a fairy from Appleblossomonia and I am a princess, too! I must go pull all my books off of my bookshelf to save the other fairies from the evil Orange king, also known as Daddy.

5:50 pm. The evil king is coming! I must hide my Oreos in the duffle bag filled with my clothes. Yuck! Why do they smell so bad? I must move them all into my sister's bed.

6:00 pm. I am so, so tired so I will scream a lot so everyone knows.

6:30 pm. I feel better now. So much better that I am going to turn this tub into a water park!

Why is Mommy crying? Why is she calling Nana and saying, "I. C.A.N.T D.O. T.H.I.S. I. A.M. C.R.A.Z.Y."? Doe eye blink. blink. blink.

6:45pm. I have to pee before bed and of my! The toilet looks lonely so I will put as much toilet paper in the bowl as I possibly can.

7:00 pm. I am incredibly cute and sweet and tired but I just have to bounce on that ball while Daddy tries to read to me. I will whimper when he tells me to stop and Mommy comes in to ask what is wrong. I'll be sure to wrap my arms around her tightly when she warns Daddy that, "bed time is for relaxation!"

7:15 pm. I can't sleep! What are Mommy and Daddy doing out there? What does Mommy have in the basket? I must go see, but wait, my bed is so warm.....shoot, did I just pee?

What would our lives be like without a little Spice? Stay tuned as I'm sure, when I update this post in 10 years, it's going to be a real hoot!


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