Growing up, my big brother was your typical older brother. He loved to torture me and his favorite hobby was making me mad or making me cry. He took my own stuff and made me buy it back from him at a yard sale. He put dog crap in my socks and sneakers. He threw spit balls at me, pinched me and never let me win at any games. Despite his daily doses of teasing and displeasing me, I did notice that he wasn't particularly interested in other people making me mad or making me cry. I'm not saying he was ready to fight on my behalf, or ride up on a white horse to protect me, but he was pretty firm in his position as the number one bane of my existence. Despite the fact that he no longer tortures me quite like he used to, our relationship has left a lasting impression on me, long into adulthood.
As a self proclaimed arm chair therapist, I take note that I have been trying to work through that relationship for years-with Andy. Poor Andy had no idea that, when we started dating, I'd be trying to hammer out the kinks of my sibling relationship with him. From our very first months together, I found myself constantly competing with Andy and teasing him. I even joked that our wedding song should be "Anything you can do, I can do better." I know that this is not healthy and he is not my brother. We are not Zeus and Hera. I have to push my competitive spirit down or channel it into more appropriate venues for family competition like a game of Uno or Connect Four. But- the teasing! The teasing is so hard for me to stop.
Poking at Andy is my twisted way of showing him affection. I make memes of him and this blog is 75% focused on him. I find my really good belly laugh when I've delivered Andy the perfect zinger. Others join in my camaraderie and make fun of him, too. Friends say that it only takes about 10 minutes of being in a room with Andy before a dig oh so easily makes its way into the conversation. Andy's nickname, Handy, was not of my invention. The name was coined by one of our long-time friends who is also a former colleague of Andy.
Some critics don't like my cajoling and think that I'm a mean, bad, no good, awful wife. I admit it, I do cross the line from time to time. I get carried away with my teasing. Sometimes, I sharpen the knife a little too much before making a poke. Sometimes, I say something truly rude and insensitive. My lack of filter and desire to get Andy's attention, good or bad, leads to me making these mistakes and I am learning the boundaries of a good/bad zinger.
When the poking doesn't go too far, does it bother Andy? Many people have asked him this question, especially after reading my blog. They wonder how he manages me airing our dirty laundry to our online community. Some secretly, or not so secretly, question why he can't keep his "woman in line". His answer is always the same. He doesn't care. Really. He partially thinks that I am a fool and pays little to no attention to my antics. I'm like Caro and Char, and he just tunes out the chatter. The other part of him relishes the attention. He knows that he is my muse, the apple of my eye, with a love that has not subsided in 16 years. Making fun of Andy is my love language.
Andy told me the other day that my constant barraging has helped him develop a thick skin with respect to his recent stint in the (semi) public sphere. Two years ago, Andy told me he wanted to run to be a county representative for our district. This elected position is responsible, with a committee of other elected representatives, for the administration of all county business. When he first told me of his intentions, I was adamantly against the idea. Not only was I concerned with the amount of time this duty would take from his duties as a dad and husband, but I was also concerned about him- about us- being in the public eye. First of all, I am a free spirit and I have no interest in donning a set of pearls, smiling, nodding and kissing babies. I have little interest, at community functions, in walking with my head high, attached to Andy's arm, nodding, greeting people and participating in carefully monitored political talk. I am more interested in leaving Andy in the dust, grabbing a friend, drinking 2-3 glasses of wine and getting jiggy with it on the dance floor. A friend of ours, another elected official, warned me that, if Andy ran, I'd have to "watch what I say" and be careful because people might misinterpret my sarcasm for genuine dislike of my very own spouse. His warning made me cringe because Andy's decision to run for office meant that his decision impacted not just him but me, too. Would I have to censor myself? Would I be responsible for representing Andy, and his opinions and actions and for justifying my own?
Besides my concerns about my own involvement in the elected-official limelight, I was worried about what people would say and do to Andy. We have all been witness to mud slinging and the dirty business of politics, and this made me very nervous. At the time, Andy reassured me that this was a local position, and a local election, and that type of dirty business doesn't happen. Still, I thought, poking fun at Andy is my job and my job alone and I could feel my protective armor building up.
Yes, I am sarcastic and yes, I love Andy to be the butt of my jokes but those who choose to really listen to me and not my nonsensical banter, would know how much I admire him and respect him both personally and professionally. He does his job very well. He has worked with a non-profit on which I serve and I was blown away by the way in which he was able to support the group in developing priorities and a strategic plan. He's basically on speed dial for every non-profit in our area because he is a wealth of knowledge and is available day and night and weekends to provide advice and support to organizations in need. He's been called a non-profit super hero. I met a woman on a plane, half way across the country, who knew one person from Cooperstown, who happened to have been very helpful to her, and it was him. I've known Andy the entire time I've lived in Cooperstown, nearly two decades, and he has been passionate about the county the entire time. He's been volunteering in our area since he was in graduate school. He's served on the Chamber Board for years. He served on the CCS School Board. He's been a volunteer firefighter and co-chair of Winter Carnival. His dedication to the place that we call home is true and real and honest and his Love of Otsego is as genuine as I am sarcastic.
Over the last two years, Andy has learned that a)people are not nice in person and b)people are not nice online. It has pained me to watch in person, people call him names and question his credibility. I feel sick when I read comments on his Facebook page, suggesting that he has not crossed his "T's" and dotted his "I's" when I have been witness to the countless hours that he has spent gathering petition signatures for his re-election and the time he has taken to personally talk with our friends and community members about how he can leverage his position on the Board to do good for us. The dude is more jazzed up about the dump than anyone I have ever met.
One of the reasons why I married Andy is because I admire him and I value his integrity. I have learned so much from him that I go back to the big brother/little sister dynamic. He has taught me how to be a better person. I am a better person because of him. He is a model of civic leadership and service to others. I look up to him because he wants to lift others up.
I personally apologize to anyone who thinks that my sarcastic banter is anything other than me showing my affection for the person I love the most and admire the most. But don't listen to me. Listen to him. Read what he has to say about our County. Understand what he has done for our community through his position with his organization and through his work with the county. Ask his colleagues. Ask the countless ED's and Boards in our community how Andy has helped them improve their organizations and in turn, the lives of those they serve. Don't ask me. Ask them.
He has my vote no matter who trolls him on Facebook or writes letters to the editor against him. I hope you know this and most importantly, I hope he knows, too.
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