It's hard to share a living space with someone, married or not, day in and day out and deal and their hair in the shower or their dirty dishes in the sink. Sometimes, I think we'd all be a little bit happier if we lived in tiny homes, side-by-side. Then, no one could tell us where to put our tooth brushes. No one would feel shamed going to the bathroom with their phone. (Though I'm finding there's less and less shame about fecal matter on phones these days.) I'm sure the lustful honeymoon period would last a lot longer if we didn't have to discuss the importance of not peeing on the seat with our lover.
While dealing with daily household chores is an annoyance in my life, co-parenting can be painful and soul sucking at times. We aren't always out of sync with the kids, especially when the going is good and the girls are behaving, doing what we ask of them, or making us proud. However, the kids are often misbehaving and making us crazy. Plus, the joy, and challenge, in parenting is to instill your values and beliefs in the next generation and to give your children the best life possible. Unfortunately, Andy and I don't always see eye-to-eye about the ways to instill values and beliefs or what the best life possible looks like.
Two hot button arguments in our house are television and diet. If you didn't know it, screens are an evil drug, especially for kids. (Check out this recent article: https://nypost.com/2016/08/27/its-digital-heroin-how-screens-turn-kids-into-psychotic-junkies/)Yes, every parent is thankful for the invention of little portable screens because, despite them being heroin-like addiction devil devices, they have helped millions of parents survive "bring your kid to work" days, conference calls from home, dinners at restaurants and flights across country without dirty looks, and have even allowed parents to get an extra hour of sleep on a Saturday morning. Yet, we are all addicted to screens and I'm worried about my own addiction as an adult. I'm worried that my kids will lack imagination, be fearful of boredom, and have limited in-person communication skills, just to name a few . Andy, an early adopter of the cell phone (think Zack Morris) either disagrees with the current scientific evidence, doesn't care, or doesn't know what to do. It's a circular, never-ending-argument in our house. I purchased an app for my own phone to limit my personal screen time use, and have started using it with the kids. Andy, reluctant to try the app on his own phone, has at least acquiesced with Caro and Char. When the bell rings after the screen-time limit is met, he takes the ipad away without a word even when I am not there and it means that Caro will ask him for a snack every five minutes for the next three hours.
Food is a whole 'nother ball game. We've all heard of emotional eating. Most of us aren't just eating for our survival. We eat because we are bored, scared, tired, or lonely. We eat because food tastes really good, it's easy to do and makes us happy. I am not immune to emotional eating, but genetically, so far, I've never had to worry much about the impact emotional eating has on my body. I enjoy food but I have other vices, most of them outwardly considered "healthy". I've posted about my compulsive running. It's a thing for me.
I grew up being known as the skinny, scrawny kid- a painful brand as a child turned into perceived luck in adulthood. Andy grew up "husky", and his mom credits keeping him active as the remedy to managing his weight and keeping him focused on body movement instead of diet. Andy played sports and still enjoys his summer baseball league and winter pick up hockey games but he does not have a compulsion to exercise like me. He hasn't stepped into the gym since he left his weekend gig in the bowling alley in grad school. I check my apple watch every few hours to see my calorie burn progress. Andy didn't even know this was a function on his watch. I run when I'm hurt and injure myself so that I can't exercise at all until I heal, if I heal at all. Andy eats Combos and Diet Coke for lunch.
Sometimes, when I think of the two of us, the Julia Michaels song "Issues" pops in my head, "You don't judge me, 'cuz if you did, baby, I would judge you, too. 'Cuz I've got issues, you got 'em, too."
So, yeah, we're both kinda f*cked up so what does that mean when you are supposed to instill your values on your kids?
It means that you almost get divorced over a bagel, that's what it means.
Due to her developmental disability, and genetics, Caroline struggles to build muscle tone. Her lack of muscle tone makes exercise hard for her. Plus, she is the modern Mike TV, and would be happiest if she could jump into her ipad. Oh, and she loves to eat. At 11 years old, she's a big girl. We hear about it from her pediatrician, her nutritionist and her OT and PT. I feel so sad. I feel like I have done this to her. If I weren't such a lazy parent, a tired parent, if I weren't working all of the time, I'd be able to guide her in more activities that are fun. If I were a better cook, I'd be able to make her foods that are tasty and healthy. I'm embarrassed because, she'd never say it, but I know my mom thinks what goes around comes around. Maybe I am preachy about fitness and here I am, the skinny lady with a fat kid.
I can control a lot of stuff in my life, like what I eat and how much I exercise. I like feeling in control. Yet, the more out of control I feel, the more controlling I become. When I think about Caroline's weight and her future health, I feel totally OUT OF CONTROL. Therefore, I seek places to find a sense of control, like telling Andy how to parent.
The nutritionist has given us guidelines to follow and she recommends foods to limit and foods to add to Caro's diet. About a year ago, she told Andy and I, while sitting with her in her office, that a big bagel is a food to limit. She suggested half a bagel with fruit. I clung to that advice and have rage-fested over bagels for 12 months. Bagels are for carb loading athletes. Bagels are not for school children. Bagels are the devil sister to screens. Burn the bagels!
Bagels are also filling and super convenient in the morning, especially when you have a tortoise child who barely gets out the door each morning, leaving no time for a body/brain food boost before the bus. Andy buys bagels and serves her both slices, toasted with love and care, wrapped in a napkin and pressed into her hand as she climbs the bus stairs.
This past Monday was a really rough start to the day. Both kids were running late, Andy and I had busy days ahead of us. We prompted the girls, repeatedly, to get ready and the prompts turned to yelling. I got Char out the door, and Andy lagged behind with Caro. The bus rolled up and Caro cried as she walked down the drive. As she got on the bus, I took the wrapped bagel from Andy's hands. I tried to covertly take one of the slices but Andy tried to hand it back to Caroline. In a moment that I'll regret for marital eternity, I knocked it out of his hand. All of the food fell on the bus steps. Caroline's crying increased. I grabbed the food, bowed my head and backed away from the bus as the driver closed the door. Andy, who rarely raises his voice, did. He had a few choice words but was mostly angry that Caroline was already upset and now I'd taken away her comfort food that would have helped her recover on the way to school. I took away her emotional support bagel.
Damn. That was intense. I keep replaying it in my head. What could I have done differently? How can I manage my lack of control so I don't control others? How do we co-parent in a way that honors us as individuals and respects our own histories and limitations?
The Great Marietta Bagel Incident is still raw for us and we've not sat down to process the experience, and most importantly, laughed about our neurotic behavior and mutual love for our child. But we will, because we always do and because we are in this together no matter how irritating, frustrating, aggravating and annoying it can be at times. We decided we'd do this- together. I need him to do this with me. And, like the Julia Michaels song says, "I've got issues, and one of them is how bad I need you."
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