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My Talented Family

There are so many talented people in my life. I even have a few friends who are sucessful business owners. It's so cool to see your friends have a dream and then live it out. Then there are those friends and family who are so talented but just can't seem to figure out how to put their amazing skills into action.

Now, I'm a big fan of HGTV and the Food Network. TV is full of discoveries of secret talent. I've got two people in mind who should really try to find their 15 seconds of fame through a television program. They are smart, witty, atractive, of course and really have talent. I'm feeling really motivated and today I'm going to write proposals for them and send them to....Comedy Central.

My mom, Moe, has a knack for unique cooking and really knows how to mix ingredients for a most interesting meal. She's particularly fond of how plastic enhances a meal. You see, she uses her microwave for a bread box and then forgets to take the bread out before she uses the microwave. My Dad has had some lovely plastic enhanced sandwiches and sides. Mmm, just imagine entering a kitchen in which Moe has prepared a meal and the aromas filling that room..spices, garlic, curing meats, melting plastic. We all know how hard it is to time a meal and make sure everything is warm and fresh for the serving. Well, Moe's got some tips for you. Say you are making eggs and bacon and the bacon is taking a little too long. Toss the scrambled eggs onto a plastic plate and then pop 'em into the oven on 200 until the bacon is ready. Not only do you get your daily serving of nutritious melted plastic but also a fun, colorful meal! Oh, the kids'll love the look of the blue, red, pink and yellow eggs! A rainbow of a meal! And please, remember to wash and re-use all disposable, plastic plates. We've only got one Earth and we must take care of her!

Now, my Andy, he too should get his own show. I love organization. It's my passion. That must be why I married Andy because household order...err, uh, disorder is his passion (you know, the whole yin and yang idea). I think Andy's cute lopsided grin and funky eye would win the hearts of housewives around the country when his show launches, "Mission:Disorganization" or should it be, "Dirty House"? Anyway, I'll talk to the network about the best title.

Here's the concept: take an OCD clean freak and then send Andy in to live with them for a week. See what happens to the home owner as Andy single-handedly turns their house into a pig pen. He can show them simple techniques to ensure the house is as dirty and discorganzed as it can be. For example, just a few of his secrets (you think I'm going to give them ALL away to you? You'll just have to watch the show): The pants over the chair technique. The rolled rather than folded laundry technique. And my all-time favorite, the lasagne disorganizing technique. Have you heard of lasagne gardening? This technique derives from the benefits of layering. Let's start with a stack of old magazines on a bureau. Next, place a box with old metal things on those magazines followed by a shirt that needs to be dry cleaned. Make sure the shirt covers the entire bureau top, not just the box and magazines. Next, throw, ladies don't be dainty, a pile of sticky notes with random names and numbers on top. Finally, top the stack with a limited edition toy that can never be taken out of its box, like something from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. Make sure te box is almost tipping onto the floor. Now, step back and take a look. Oh my, is it avande-garde or just post modern? Makes you feel like the world is on your side doesn't it?

Now, the camera pans to the clean freak who has just watched Andy do this to her bedroom bureau. Laugh, laugh with joy when her little face grimaces in pain and she crumbles to the floor. The tub of cleaning supplies she was holding and Swiffer Wet Jet tumble to the ground on top of her. She covers her head with her yellow rubber-gloved hands and screams, "Calgon! Take ME AWAY!!" As Andy packs up his supplies, an ambulance arrives and the clean freak is taken away in a straight jacket.

Well folks, it looks like our job here is done today. We've served you up a plentiful and delicious meal full of vitamins and man-made materials and turned your home into a solvenly sty you can call your own.

See you next time when we our talented team poisons and ruins the life of another family!


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