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Can You Hear Me Now?

Sometimes the love between two is seen in subtle ways. A gentle caress. Repeated glances. Always close by. There for you night and day, good and bad. The sound of their voice is music to your ears. I witness this true love on a daily basis and I envy it. Right before my eyes my own husband expresses his love for another...his little chocolate lover-his cell phone.

If I could be anything, I think I'd like to be Andy's phone. He always keeps the phone in the inside pouch of his fuzzy fleece jacket or safe in his pants pocket. Often, when we are driving home together from work, he holds the phone in his hand and slowly rolls it open and closed with his thumb. When he's thinking, he presses it to his lips and softly blows, creating a warm film on its face.

When we leave the house and he can't find the phone, he searches frantically for it. Once he has it tucked away, he reaches down in his pants to touch it over and over like an automatic, yet oddly erotic subconscious action of protection and concern.

When his little chocolate rings, he jumps to grab it, eager to see who is on the other end. His eyes light up when he hears the voice on the other end and as he holds the tiny plastic object close to his cheek he experiences a range of emotions, his voice rising and falling, his body pacing back and forth in a trance like state. The world could fall down around him as he talks. His child often tries to grab his legs, falls and screams while he's on the phone. He paces away from the cries, oblivious to anything but the phone. It's only once he's off the call that he returns to the world around him.

On very special occasions I witness a phone threesome. That's when Andy is talking on the cell phone and the home phone rings. The home phone is clunky and old and not nearly as perky and cute as the cell, yet it is occasionally allowed to join in and play in the talking game. I sit, dumbstruck, while Andy blabs on the cell phone and then asks the person on the other end to "wait a sec" while he answers the other phone. Then the person on the cell phone gets to wait and listen to Andy talk on the other phone. How kinky.

"Hi...yeah....ok...I um...yeah, yeah....hopefully....yeah, I mean, uh, sounds good....ok, ok, oh, hey, I've got somebody on the other phone...ok, ok...yeah, talk to you later."

I've tried to tell Andy that his incessant talking on the phone is rude. It's annoying to all the people around him who have to listen to his loud, half conversations and it's hurtful to me. Who is it that he is waiting to hear from that he has to have the phone nearby at all times? Am I so boring that he decides to let his dinner get cold while he paces back in forth in the bathroom, chattering away on that stupid little cell phone? What's next- placing it between us in bed at night on its own little pillow? I guess it could at least double as a night light.

What's the motto? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! He's on both phones right now. I'm going to grab my cell and call our house line. We have caller ID and call waiting. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll pick up the line and I can make the call a phone orgy!


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