Skip to main content

New Book Draft- Your Help Needed!

Andy has never been known for his ability to empathize with others, particularly women. While he is a fairly educated man, he missed the course on "Understanding the Sensitive Female." My ability to digest Andy's remarks, even after many, many insulting comments in reaction to something I have told him, has not gotten any easier. Like a wounded puppy, I often get quiet when he responds, but lately I've been taking another tactic. Being the control freak that I am, I offer Andy an alternative statement as a suggestion for what he should have said to me.

I've started writing a book, "The Book of Common Courteous Comments in Response to a Woman's Statements." I'll talk to my editor about shortening that title. In the meantime, I hope you'll take a few minutes from your busy holiday baking, shopping and cookie-face-stuffing to review my draft. Send edits and feedback to: mystupidhusband@gmail.com!

Scenario One
Woman: I feel fat today. Do I look fat?
Man: Well now that you mention it, your ass does look fat. Why don't you go work out? But you can't go on Sunday because I'm watching the football game.
CCS suggested response: No, honey, you look wonderful, but if it makes you feel better inside, why don't you take the afternoon off, go to the gym and spa and I'll watch the kids. I'll have a light, non-fried meal ready to eat when you get home.

Scenario Two
Woman: Sally and John, your baby is so cute. Isn't she cute honey?
Man: Yeah, if you think looking like Chucky is cute.
CCS suggested response: Why yes, the baby looks just like a little doll!

Scenario Three
Woman: It's going to snow tomorrow. I'm worried about driving.
Man: Yeah, no kidding. You crack up that car and that's the end of you driving.
CCS suggested response: Don't worry. If you'd like, I'll leave work early and drive you home.

Scenario Four
Woman: Kim and Larry said dinner was delicious! What did you think, dear?
Man: I think they were just being nice.
CCS suggested response: Well, it's no surprise. You always make the best food.

Scenario Five
Woman: I'm concerned your conference attendance is going to conflict with the birth of our baby.
Man: Why don't you just schedule a c-section for the day before the conference?
CCS suggested response: I can miss the conference. What matters is that I'm there for you and our baby.

Scenario Six
Woman: With the current economic climate I worry that I'll lose my job.
Man: If you do, you can work as a nail tech or have another baby. What we should worry about is if I lose my job. What will I do?
CCS suggested response: You are such a valuable asset to your organization. They'd be crazy to let you go. But if they do, you have some great skills and will easily get another job.

Scenario Seven
Woman: My great aunt just died today. Isn't this so sad?
Man: I only met her once. What did she look like? Was she the one with the walker or the wheel chair?
CCS suggested response: (Hugs woman) It's hard when we lose a loved one. She had a good life and she knows you loved her. I'll go to her funeral with you.

And, Final Scenario
Woman: Dear, I feel like your mom doesn't like me. Is it just in my head?
Man: No. She likes my old girlfriend better. You'll just have to get used to it.
CCS suggested response: Are you kidding? She's crazy about you! You are the daughter she never had!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Love Otsego but I Love Andy More

Growing up, my big brother was your typical older brother. He loved to torture me and his favorite hobby was making me mad or making me cry. He took my own stuff and made me buy it back from him at a yard sale. He put dog crap in my socks and sneakers. He threw spit balls at me, pinched me and never let me win at any games. Despite his daily doses of teasing and displeasing me, I did notice that he wasn't particularly interested in other people making me mad or making me cry. I'm not saying he was ready to fight on my behalf, or ride up on a white horse to protect me, but he was pretty firm in his position as the number one bane of my existence. Despite the fact that he no longer tortures me quite like he used to, our relationship has left a lasting impression on me, long into adulthood. As a self proclaimed arm chair therapist, I take note that I have been trying to work through that relationship for years-with Andy. Poor Andy had no idea that, when we started dating, I'…

Holiday Letters- in Two Versions!

I don’t know about you but I love a good holiday letter. Nothing sends me into a tailspin of self doubt and depression like reading the carefully crafted story of the highs and accomplishments of those in my life. As the letters flow in, alongside the photos of the beautiful smiling faces of my loved ones, I curl up under a warm blanket, look out at the bleak, gray winter skies and think: what the fu#k is wrong with me?We are so fortunate, due to modern technological advances, to be able to experience this self doubt an average of 20-50 times per day as we addictively scroll a variety of social media channels. Yet nothing truly confirms our own personal inadequacies like a yearly summary of others’ successes and happiness neatly packed in an 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper, folded in thirds and slipped into an envelope alongside a card collage of beach shots, matching sweaters and smiling, happy faces. I, too, have sent along such letters to accompany our smiling happy faces, providing thos…

An Open "PM" to Polly

Hey Polly, it’s me- Melissa. Can I call you Polly? Because I feel like I know you. Do I know you? We’ve been in the same social media circles for many months now.I see from your profile that you went to Cornell. I have a lot of friends that graduated from there. It’s an awesome school. What year did you graduate? I also see that you’re self-employed. I really respect entrepreneurs, particularly female entrepreneurs. What’s your business? Are you a photographer because your Facebook profile picture of Doubleday Field is fantastic.I see that you don’t have any Facebook friends, Polly. I understand that. Are you lonely? It can be really lonely around here. Listen Polly, this election got really nasty but at the end of the day are all neighbors right? Do you want to meet, do you want to talk about it? Haven’t seen you on social media since the election. I totally get where you’re coming from, Polly. It’s been hard for me, too. When you put yourself out there with really strong opinions pe…