If You Take Your Socially Awkward Spouse to a Party

If you invite your socially awkward spouse to a party, he's going to ask you if he has to go. When you say yes, he'll probably tell you he's come down ill. When you tell him he's bluffing, he'll ask if you can postpone.

Then, he'll complain the whole way there that he doesn't know anybody and he has "nothing in common with these people." When you get there, he'll hover awkwardly behind you, so you'll have to get used to having a giant shadow. When he builds the confidence to stand next to you, he'll want you to do all of the talking. When you do all of the talking, he'll later tell you that you were too animated and all of your arm movements, and nodding in agreement, and smiling, made him nervous. As you talk, he'll stand in a corner, thumbing his phone. You'll give him the eyebrow raise, aka code for get over here, but he's too busy checking his fantasy team and fantasizing that he is far, far away from here.

You'll have to grab him by the arm and offer him nookie when you get home to convince him to talk. When he finally makes a connection with a person, he won't be able to stop talking to the person about his tragedy commemorative memorabilia collection or the septic effluent issue at your house. He'll talk incessantly while looking at the wall above the person's shoulder, not noticing when the person starts shifting their feet or looking with panic at their spouse far across the room.

When the person finally escapes, he'll immediately interrupt the conversation you are having to tell you he can't find any plates at the buffet table. You'll brush him off and say go ask the hostess. He'll fold his arms and mumble, "This party is terrible. We're leaving right now." You'll have to sheepishly excuse yourself from your conversation and tell your spouse to calm down. He'll tell you, again, that the party is ruined for lack of plates. He'll want you to find the hostess and insist that she find your spouse a plate. When you find the hostess and ask for a plate, he'll take it. Then, he'll tell you he is thirsty and sigh because he can't find a cup either. Which means he wants you to get him a cup. So...he'll ask you to get the cup. You'll get him the cup and he'll realize there's no more beer, only juice. And chances are, if the party is out of beer, he's going to want to go home.

On the way home, he'll tell you that he thought it went well and how thankful he is that nobody tried to hug him.


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