Skip to main content

The Gift

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-- Elizabeth Stone

My friend once said that she'd rather jump in front of a bus than have a child. I would jump in front of a bus for my child. When I was about five months pregnant I told Andy I loved the baby more than him. Of course, I love Andy so much and can not imagine life without him but the love I had for the life we created was the most intense feeling to experience. I hadn't even met her yet, and I could not imagine my life without this baby.

From the moment you find out you're pregnant, everything you do is for the baby. The baby is with you wherever you go and sleeps and grows to your every movement and to the sound of your voice. Someone told me a baby automatically loves her mother's voice. That's nice for me since my voice is high and often, irritating to others.

When Caroline was first born, the love was instinctual. I wasn't sure what to think of her, or if I really liked her per se, but out of love and drive I cared for her every minute of the day. I protected her and kept her close to me. Her bassinett was as near to my bed as I could get it. Andy drove us around like our cabby, with me in the back beside Caroline so I could always see her and hold her hand.

As she has grown and turned into a little person, my heart pounds with energy and an ever-increasing love for her. I can not wait to see her face when I open the door at daycare and I still don't mind if she wakes up in the middle of the night and I cuddle her in my arms and rock her back to sleep. I love to see her first thing in the morning when she rolls over and gives me a sheepish smile or when I get out of the car and open her door and she looks surprised and happy to see my face. Lately in the car, Andy and I stop talking to hear her cooing and whispering to herself. When we are talking and start laughing, she always joins in. She laughs just because it is fun to laugh and because she wants to do whatever we are doing.

My second cousin died in a car accident this past weekend. He was 15. Although I've not spoken to my cousin, his mother, in about a year, her pain is mine and every other mom's and dad's. A co-worker lost her son in an accident this spring and when I told her I was sorry even though I didn't know how she felt, she told me I did know how she felt. All you have to be is a parent who wears her heart on the outside of her body, lets fate take it course, and never stops loving her child.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Me V. Parental Judgement

When you are pregnant, there’s so much to think about when considering the future: what color to paint the nursery, what decorating scheme to select from Pottery Barn, whether to go with disposable or reusable diapers, what to name your little nugget, and even deciding to use a cake or a box of balloons for the gender reveal party. You quickly learn that, if you share any of these decisions with anyone, you are bound to get opinions- lots of them. And, while this isn’t the first time we get solicited or unsolicited advice (where to go to college, what to choose as a major, what profession to pursue, who to date, who to marry, what dress to wear to the wedding, who to invite to the wedding, what type of alcohol to serve at the wedding..) the birth of a child seems like the first time that SO MANY opinions are given. It’s already a time of anxiety and unknowns that the opinions of others can easily feel overwhelming.What, I should have gotten the rocker that swings from side to side ins…

Holiday Letters- in Two Versions!

I don’t know about you but I love a good holiday letter. Nothing sends me into a tailspin of self doubt and depression like reading the carefully crafted story of the highs and accomplishments of those in my life. As the letters flow in, alongside the photos of the beautiful smiling faces of my loved ones, I curl up under a warm blanket, look out at the bleak, gray winter skies and think: what the fu#k is wrong with me?We are so fortunate, due to modern technological advances, to be able to experience this self doubt an average of 20-50 times per day as we addictively scroll a variety of social media channels. Yet nothing truly confirms our own personal inadequacies like a yearly summary of others’ successes and happiness neatly packed in an 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper, folded in thirds and slipped into an envelope alongside a card collage of beach shots, matching sweaters and smiling, happy faces. I, too, have sent along such letters to accompany our smiling happy faces, providing thos…

Work Family

Did you know that you spend around 90,360 hours at work during your lifetime? I usually only write about my job in the most vague terms but work is, and always has been, a really important and vital part of my life. A hundred years ago, when I left my first professional job, I remember it felt like somebody died. At the time, Andy, who, shockingly wasn't in touch with my emotions, asked me why I was felt this way. I told him I was so upset because I felt like I was leaving my family. I can still remember, clear as day, when I gave my resignation. I had just taken a ride in the Oscar Meyer wiener hot dog mobile (Yeah I know I had an awesome job) and I felt incredibly sick to my stomach. I went home that night and cried like somebody died. I remember Andy asking me why I was so upset and I wasn’t sure how to articulate it. Looking back now I better understand why I had such a visceral reaction to leaving my employer. I think part of it was because it was my first real job. I think …