Skip to main content

Will this blog work as therapy?

I have a reoccuring dream and I've been having it for years. No, I'm not naked trying to remember my locker combination while all the popular kids look and laugh. I'm married to my ex-boyfriend, the last guy I dated before Andy.

Like most dreams, I'm not sure how it starts but sometimes we have an apartment, complete with wedding photos on the walls or sometimes I'm just walking somewhere with him or it is simply brought to my attention that I'm married to him. Poof! There I am, in this dream-which-feels-like-reality, married to this guy, let's call him Newman, to protect his identity.

Within moments in this dream I start to figure out that I used to date Andy and that he is really the one I want to be with. It is a feeling of total desperation and intense desire. Again, the scenario varies, but I'm often trying to call his cell phone, find his house or send him an email to tell him how much I love him and need to be with him. I'm then angry at myself and wonder how I got into the situation of being with the person I do not want to be with. How did I let go of my one true love?

The dream never ends because I always force myself to wake up and look to the pillow beside me, reassuring me that I'm with Andy and not "Newman." A coworker with a degree in psychology and a penchant for dream analysis told me dreams like this, reoccurring with a sense of being out of control, are a sign of severe depression. As a side note, she had no interpretation for me about the dream where people in helicopters are shooting at me and then I get into an underwater tunnel with all the local townspeople.

Anyway, as I sit here, talking at Andy while he totally ignores every word I say (does he hear me and is just ignoring me or is he so interested in the movie/email he is writing that he actually has blocked out my voice?) I know that I would be severely depressed if I had not taken the risk to say good bye to my ex-boyfriend and all that was familiar to me to embrace this abrasive but incredibly smart and gorgeous boy from the mid west.

In my last post I mentioned Catholic guilt which has chosen to rear its ugly head again. I'm wondering what I need to do to get rid of this dream. Do I write Newman a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea? Do I send him a Facebook friend request as a "truce"? I just want to stop having this dream and feeling bad about making the best decision of my life even if,f or a time, it ruined another person's life and quite possibly shattered his faith in women.

To all my readers (shout out to my Mom and her co-workers): What should I do? Please advise! My take? Maybe I'm supposed to have this dream to remind me that the grass is definitely greener on MY side of the marital fence.


Elisabeth F. said…
I think you're really smart to be looking for closure, MM, because it's crucial, and I can vouch that you'll find it in all sorts of ways. I love reading your blog! EFS.

Popular posts from this blog

Me V. Parental Judgement

When you are pregnant, there’s so much to think about when considering the future: what color to paint the nursery, what decorating scheme to select from Pottery Barn, whether to go with disposable or reusable diapers, what to name your little nugget, and even deciding to use a cake or a box of balloons for the gender reveal party. You quickly learn that, if you share any of these decisions with anyone, you are bound to get opinions- lots of them. And, while this isn’t the first time we get solicited or unsolicited advice (where to go to college, what to choose as a major, what profession to pursue, who to date, who to marry, what dress to wear to the wedding, who to invite to the wedding, what type of alcohol to serve at the wedding..) the birth of a child seems like the first time that SO MANY opinions are given. It’s already a time of anxiety and unknowns that the opinions of others can easily feel overwhelming.What, I should have gotten the rocker that swings from side to side ins…

It's Complicated. It Doesn't Have To Be.

I was preparing dinner the other night. I still had my coat on and I was balancing a cat dish in one hand and a frozen pot pie in the other when Charlotte came into the kitchen. She had been in her room changing into her pj's. She pranced into the kitchen wearing only her favoritest undies- with the words SUNDAY emblazoned on the rump. She called out my name and I distractedly and tiredly looked in her direction, making eye contact. "Mom," she asked me, grabbing the soft, doughy skin above her waistband, "am I fat?" I dropped to my mental knees. I barely knew what night it was, I actually couldn't have told you in that moment what town Andy was working in on that particular evening, and all I wanted to do was take my bra off and her question stopped me in my tracks. I looked at her again, really taking in her body. Her beautiful, perfect body. I have loved her body during every stage of growth- from a chubby baby legs and round bottom to the freckle on her…

The Bubble Thought

Earlier this week, my sister-in-law posted one of her drawings on Facebook. The drawing depicted an image of a mother hugging her child before the child gets on the bus for the first day of the school year. As the mother hugs her child, there’s a thought bubble above her with an image of a gun. To accompany the drawing, my sister-in-law shared that this was her thought, which popped into her mind as her own child departed for school to begin a new academic year. I have no doubt that her post will be shared time again by parents around this country as we all send our children off to school to be educated. In addition to the normal fear that a parent has for their school-age school, like their academic achievement, development of meaningful friendships, and overall happiness and health, now parents have to worry about their safety while in school. We presently live in a climate where schools are hiring guardians who are retired police officers and members of the military whose sole purp…