Will this blog work as therapy?

I have a reoccuring dream and I've been having it for years. No, I'm not naked trying to remember my locker combination while all the popular kids look and laugh. I'm married to my ex-boyfriend, the last guy I dated before Andy.

Like most dreams, I'm not sure how it starts but sometimes we have an apartment, complete with wedding photos on the walls or sometimes I'm just walking somewhere with him or it is simply brought to my attention that I'm married to him. Poof! There I am, in this dream-which-feels-like-reality, married to this guy, let's call him Newman, to protect his identity.

Within moments in this dream I start to figure out that I used to date Andy and that he is really the one I want to be with. It is a feeling of total desperation and intense desire. Again, the scenario varies, but I'm often trying to call his cell phone, find his house or send him an email to tell him how much I love him and need to be with him. I'm then angry at myself and wonder how I got into the situation of being with the person I do not want to be with. How did I let go of my one true love?

The dream never ends because I always force myself to wake up and look to the pillow beside me, reassuring me that I'm with Andy and not "Newman." A coworker with a degree in psychology and a penchant for dream analysis told me dreams like this, reoccurring with a sense of being out of control, are a sign of severe depression. As a side note, she had no interpretation for me about the dream where people in helicopters are shooting at me and then I get into an underwater tunnel with all the local townspeople.

Anyway, as I sit here, talking at Andy while he totally ignores every word I say (does he hear me and is just ignoring me or is he so interested in the movie/email he is writing that he actually has blocked out my voice?) I know that I would be severely depressed if I had not taken the risk to say good bye to my ex-boyfriend and all that was familiar to me to embrace this abrasive but incredibly smart and gorgeous boy from the mid west.

In my last post I mentioned Catholic guilt which has chosen to rear its ugly head again. I'm wondering what I need to do to get rid of this dream. Do I write Newman a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea? Do I send him a Facebook friend request as a "truce"? I just want to stop having this dream and feeling bad about making the best decision of my life even if,f or a time, it ruined another person's life and quite possibly shattered his faith in women.

To all my readers (shout out to my Mom and her co-workers): What should I do? Please advise! My take? Maybe I'm supposed to have this dream to remind me that the grass is definitely greener on MY side of the marital fence.

Comments

Elisabeth F. said…
I think you're really smart to be looking for closure, MM, because it's crucial, and I can vouch that you'll find it in all sorts of ways. I love reading your blog! EFS.

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