Skip to main content

Will this blog work as therapy?

I have a reoccuring dream and I've been having it for years. No, I'm not naked trying to remember my locker combination while all the popular kids look and laugh. I'm married to my ex-boyfriend, the last guy I dated before Andy.

Like most dreams, I'm not sure how it starts but sometimes we have an apartment, complete with wedding photos on the walls or sometimes I'm just walking somewhere with him or it is simply brought to my attention that I'm married to him. Poof! There I am, in this dream-which-feels-like-reality, married to this guy, let's call him Newman, to protect his identity.

Within moments in this dream I start to figure out that I used to date Andy and that he is really the one I want to be with. It is a feeling of total desperation and intense desire. Again, the scenario varies, but I'm often trying to call his cell phone, find his house or send him an email to tell him how much I love him and need to be with him. I'm then angry at myself and wonder how I got into the situation of being with the person I do not want to be with. How did I let go of my one true love?

The dream never ends because I always force myself to wake up and look to the pillow beside me, reassuring me that I'm with Andy and not "Newman." A coworker with a degree in psychology and a penchant for dream analysis told me dreams like this, reoccurring with a sense of being out of control, are a sign of severe depression. As a side note, she had no interpretation for me about the dream where people in helicopters are shooting at me and then I get into an underwater tunnel with all the local townspeople.

Anyway, as I sit here, talking at Andy while he totally ignores every word I say (does he hear me and is just ignoring me or is he so interested in the movie/email he is writing that he actually has blocked out my voice?) I know that I would be severely depressed if I had not taken the risk to say good bye to my ex-boyfriend and all that was familiar to me to embrace this abrasive but incredibly smart and gorgeous boy from the mid west.

In my last post I mentioned Catholic guilt which has chosen to rear its ugly head again. I'm wondering what I need to do to get rid of this dream. Do I write Newman a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea? Do I send him a Facebook friend request as a "truce"? I just want to stop having this dream and feeling bad about making the best decision of my life even if,f or a time, it ruined another person's life and quite possibly shattered his faith in women.

To all my readers (shout out to my Mom and her co-workers): What should I do? Please advise! My take? Maybe I'm supposed to have this dream to remind me that the grass is definitely greener on MY side of the marital fence.


Elisabeth F. said…
I think you're really smart to be looking for closure, MM, because it's crucial, and I can vouch that you'll find it in all sorts of ways. I love reading your blog! EFS.

Popular posts from this blog

I Love Otsego but I Love Andy More

Growing up, my big brother was your typical older brother. He loved to torture me and his favorite hobby was making me mad or making me cry. He took my own stuff and made me buy it back from him at a yard sale. He put dog crap in my socks and sneakers. He threw spit balls at me, pinched me and never let me win at any games. Despite his daily doses of teasing and displeasing me, I did notice that he wasn't particularly interested in other people making me mad or making me cry. I'm not saying he was ready to fight on my behalf, or ride up on a white horse to protect me, but he was pretty firm in his position as the number one bane of my existence. Despite the fact that he no longer tortures me quite like he used to, our relationship has left a lasting impression on me, long into adulthood. As a self proclaimed arm chair therapist, I take note that I have been trying to work through that relationship for years-with Andy. Poor Andy had no idea that, when we started dating, I'…

Holiday Letters- in Two Versions!

I don’t know about you but I love a good holiday letter. Nothing sends me into a tailspin of self doubt and depression like reading the carefully crafted story of the highs and accomplishments of those in my life. As the letters flow in, alongside the photos of the beautiful smiling faces of my loved ones, I curl up under a warm blanket, look out at the bleak, gray winter skies and think: what the fu#k is wrong with me?We are so fortunate, due to modern technological advances, to be able to experience this self doubt an average of 20-50 times per day as we addictively scroll a variety of social media channels. Yet nothing truly confirms our own personal inadequacies like a yearly summary of others’ successes and happiness neatly packed in an 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper, folded in thirds and slipped into an envelope alongside a card collage of beach shots, matching sweaters and smiling, happy faces. I, too, have sent along such letters to accompany our smiling happy faces, providing thos…

An Open "PM" to Polly

Hey Polly, it’s me- Melissa. Can I call you Polly? Because I feel like I know you. Do I know you? We’ve been in the same social media circles for many months now.I see from your profile that you went to Cornell. I have a lot of friends that graduated from there. It’s an awesome school. What year did you graduate? I also see that you’re self-employed. I really respect entrepreneurs, particularly female entrepreneurs. What’s your business? Are you a photographer because your Facebook profile picture of Doubleday Field is fantastic.I see that you don’t have any Facebook friends, Polly. I understand that. Are you lonely? It can be really lonely around here. Listen Polly, this election got really nasty but at the end of the day are all neighbors right? Do you want to meet, do you want to talk about it? Haven’t seen you on social media since the election. I totally get where you’re coming from, Polly. It’s been hard for me, too. When you put yourself out there with really strong opinions pe…